Letting Go

 (Last Sunday, September 13, 2009)

It was a blue Sunday morning. My parents where here in Cebu to visit my sister, my brother and I. We were completely united...yet my heart was no where to be found.

We went to Church together since it has been a long time since we went to church all together...and the priest spoke the words that enlightened my heart and my mind: Letting go is the only key...

And there I was reflecting and understanding what the phrase was...and now I understood.

After Church, my parents went back to our hometown, Dumaguete City...and I went out to meet a good friend. We watched a movie which was supposedly funny, but I burst my heart out during watching the movie. I never thought letting go of someone very special would be pulling your heart out. To this friend, THANK YOU!

...and to this someone, you had your chances and you let it go away. I made a fool out of myself just for you... Someone told me that you love me and gave me some proof of conversations. Now I know what you feel, but I just don't understand why you're denying everything in front of me. You are so good when it comes to texting or chatting, but when it comes face-to-face you stumble. You might regret when I find someone else...

You want to play? Okay, let's play. I know your game now...You want to flurt, lust, and the like... I can do that, probably even better than you do...but now with no strings attached. Dare me!

From this day on, I'll be seeing you as a friend...

Sorry for being drunk tonight...but you made me do this...

Confusion

It has been a tradition for me that all my crush are my inspiration to study lessons, make blog entries, and create anything artistic.

These extraordinary species are my sources in making my everyday life innovative...but, somehow, I deviated my feelings towards someone who was supposedly part of my CRUSH LIST (let us name this specie 'a friend').

I got too close to the point of hooking myself to 'a friend'. I never thought it could be so hard, awkward, and confusing at the same time and a lot more...It was not my intention to fall for 'a friend' which is, for me, not ethical. However, I can't control how I feel.

I wrote this when I was at Tambayan, while 'a friend' and I had a little misunderstanding.

I'm feeling the pain every time the air touches my skin...my facade...
I, once upon a time, believed that "myself is the only place where I can only be mine", but why am i feeling the complete opposite?

Now, convince me, is myself the only place where I can only be mine?
Because I can't convince my 'own' anymore...

I need serenity...I need respect...I need PEACE...

Piss Off!

F***!!!

Raissa (my previous g.f.) met someone...

Am I jealous? Off course I'm jealous! F***! I want to talk to her like now. I sent her a message but no reply...Grrr!

A Letter

I'm not really good at this, but here it goes...a love letter...

Dear Raissa,

I've always wanted to talk...about us, but there is something hindering my voice to come out...maybe because you can't talk to me about how you really feel, or maybe because I don't want to feel the pain again.

This would probably be the first and the last letter I'll be making for you so I'll make the most out of it.

I know you loved me and still love me, but I don't know what made you stop...Is it because of me? Or you?

I tried to stop thinking about you...I tried not to go with our friends, but hearing gossips that you've been drinking and crying...it just breaks my heart.

I want to know everything...every single word...every single letter...every single detail.

I love you...

You were never far from my mind. After you closed the door, I felt like the last person on earth.



Once upon a time, I wanted to know what Love was...


Love is there if you want it to be. You just have to see that it's wrapped in beauty and hidden away between the seconds of our life. If you don't stop for a minute, you might miss it...forever.

rabsin_d

mY bODY hURST!

2 weeks of practicing Cheer leading for the upcoming Cheer Dance Competition this August, I can barely walk. The PAIN! I just can't stand it because I can't do stuffs that I do before like carrying weights and jogging from our home to Bacong (proper). Grrr! I hate it...it's like a rotten muscle that needs to be surgically removed...or maybe, I just need a body massage. But the problem is...Can anyone lend me some money... :) hehe! peace out

Paper Flower

This happened last Friday where the graduating students of the College of Computer Studies in Silliman University had there Leadership Training. I was there sharing my experiences about the other leadership trainings I joined. However, One thing that really struck my heart was the time where a good friend of mine, Mona Baena, shared something about her love life, and somehow I could just relate because of what happened to me not so long ago. (If you read my previous entry, you'll know what I mean.) Actually, she was the one who made that flower...acording to her it's because of her boredom during the Leadership Training...haha!

I really don't know why but time must have its own life. He knows when a person is blue or in pain, stressed or burdened. In between our conversation, Mona and I got struck by a melody that serenade our inquisitive ears which goes like this:

Don't tell me your sorry cuz' you're not...

This song is entitled Take A Bow by Rihanna and this is what time has given to me to make an insight out of my experience and tell it to people who needs comfort because

"There is no greater fulfillment in life than to create even a small difference on the lives of other people."

Till then...peace out!

Pain in the Feet

Just last night, I started practicing badminton as my career in my senior year in College. I was a badminton varsity during my Elementary and High School years (2nd year). However, I stopped when I stepped on the Portals of Silliman University to pursue my College degree. Because of that, my physique was not toned for the past 3 years already...wow! So just Imagine how 'matakaw I am'. Anyhow, about last night, I was relax during the first 30 minutes because we were only sitting and laughing, but after that enjoying moment, we started to jog around the SU Gym, up the stairs, go down, and up again...for 2 hours. I suddenly felt 2 kilos of rice patched in both feet. I can't hardly jog, it was like in a 'Nighthood' (if you know what I mean) were everybody keeps doing something in one part of your body. it was definitely a burden, but I was determined and finished all drills till the end. Whooo!

Just woke up and boy it was so heavy. Every step I make is like a punch on my legs...grrr! I feel like falling..hahaha! but I still had fun..Till then, I'l just take a shower...peace out.

Take Over, The Breaks Over

An amazing journey to my love life, or i may say "A 5 Day Love Life".

Last June 12, 2008, the day my Lola died (10:00 pm), Ally and I got had this commitment to go over board and be more than friends. It was an enchanting night at Woodward Little Theater. Day passes by and we got so close to each other, and we had lots of fun together. We had a great night life, and often meet at STEDS, Silliman. However, something happened that twisted our fate. Actually, I'm not really sure what's her reason why she keeps pushing me away from her during the debut of Jesicca Delos Santos, a very good friend of ours, and why she was so dull and i asked her why but she only said "I was better of a friend than your girlfriend. " Then...silence.............

On June 17, 2008, the Last vigil for my beloved Lola, I invited Ally to come see my Lola and my family hoping that she's fine because we were talking already, but before we entered the church, she told me that she needed to fix things with her studies, her family, and herself. I feel so heavy that night, it was like my heart was pounded by machines used in the movie 'SAW'. I cant move, I cant speak and suddenly tears keeps falling down my eyes.

I felt her reason was not enough for all that I did for her. It was a lame reason for me, but I have no choice but to let go. A painful reality that can never be avoided by a lot of people. :(

Today, we still see each other since I introduced her to my friends and they really get along well, but I can still feel the pain that her lips had caused me and every time I see her laugh makes me want to cry so hard because she seem so strong and doesn't feel anything. I cant look straight to her eyes and I cant talk to her as easy as before and I'm not sure if we can still be friends...

(Ally: Not real name..)

For Mama...I'm Sorry

This would probably be the saddest day of my life. I thought I was good, but I was wrong...my mom can testify to it...

I became more strong, independent, and intelligent; however, I also became more spoiled and boastful. My mom and I had a fight because I was so proud of myself. I was so high she needed to pull me back in order for me to live if I fall...She said she was disappointed...but the most painful thing...I never said I'm sorry. I couldn't even remember when I said sorry for all those mistakes that I did or would have unmade if I could...

Maybe that's the reason why I made this entry...to unfill the bottle inside me

- Rabsin de la Cruz